Crushes happen to the best of us.
One day you’re Mr. or Ms. Independent, strutting your solitude and basking in the freedom of self-directed devotion, and then all of a sudden, you fall.
Hard.
Head over heels, drop-dead desperate, soul-suckingly in love. Not with the cute boy or girl next door or the stern-faced but gentle-souled meat slicer at the local deli. No, that’d be far too easy.
You fall in love with another player.
See, you’ve been living a double life all this time. You go from home to work to the grocery store and back in one world. In the other world, you fight bad guys at night, bully strangers, court characters and let your emotional writing rip.
RPGs provide people with a community of similarly double-lived folk. As comforting as it is to empathize with one another over the joys and hardships of your double life, the truth is that sometimes the lines between fantasy and reality blur.
That’s when things get sticky.
The Problem
He has devastating wit on the OOC boards, an avatar that could be a portrait of God, and characters that reek sex appeal without even trying. His writing is smooth, suave, sinuous; everything you could ever want in a lover – and with good grammar besides!
Or she’s the one. She has empathetic kindness and always makes people feel loved and safe. Her avatar is beautiful, her characters are inviting and comforting, and they’re warm and soft.
Don’t forget the good grammar.
You craft words, the other player crafts words. You love fiction, the other player loves fiction. You write stories, the other player writes stories.
And that player’s stories are always good.
Falling in love with someone on your RPG site is pretty common. People who are attracted to RPGing, especially the play-by-post kind, tend to have an affinity for the written word. When like-minded individuals gather, attraction is bound to follow.
So what do you do if you realize you’re falling in love with someone you’ve never even met?
Separate the Player from the Character
The first step to retain your sanity through that oh-so-common RPG crush is to remind yourself again and again that no matter how well a player writes, no character is a spitting image of the writer. It’s easy to forget, and when this happens, the separation between character and player lose definition. This is bad.
Ever read Stephen King’s The Dark Tower series? Stephen King himself makes an appearance in the latter part of the series. Although it hurts me to say this, knowing the character Stephen King doesn’t mean that I know Stephen King.
Try writing a story with yourself as the main character. I can guarantee that when you read over the story at the end, you’ll view the protagonist as an Other and not as yourself. It’s unavoidable when writing, and especially unavoidable when writing fiction in a world in which you haven’t really lived.
Also, keep in mind when RPGing with others that you are not your character. You automatically develop an opinion of the characters in the story. Remind yourself that even if you hate or love a character, you can (and should) form a different opinion about the writer.
Not convinced? Still feel a little flustered when someone you respect puts a smilie in her response to your comment? Still feel thrilled when someone you admire writes a post that makes your heart thump?
That’s okay. Crushes happen.
RPGing is for fun. It’s a game – but don’t make the mistake of telling yourself that games don’t matter. Be honest with yourself so that you can do what you need to do to keep yourself from feeling something you might regret.
Real Life Rules
Sometimes, RPGers are forced to make a choice between reality and fantasy. Truth is, if our real lives were as perfect as we want them to be, we wouldn’t be RPGing.
RPGing gives us a way to escape. By playing online, we can be the kind of person we want to be, living the kind of lives that we could never have in real life.
At the end of the day, you must remember that RPGing is a game. You are not your character. That special someone on your site is also not his or her character. Yes, that person is human, with feelings too, but the primary relationship he or she has with you is as a gamer.
You don’t have to be afraid of gaming, but you do need to be wise. There’s a reason for the boundary between OOC and IC. There’s also good reason for the wall between virtual friendships and real life ones. Don’t transfer them from an RPG to real life.
Then again, most players I know wouldn’t object to a gentle rebuke for being too irresistible…
Dang. And just this morning I told James in a PM that I loved him…
“There’s also good reason for the wall between virtual friendships and real life ones.”
Well that’s a different post all together!
I wouldn’t say it’s a wall really, but yes, there’s a definite difference that’s sometimes only apparent after that first real life meeting. Having done that meeting many times, I know that sometimes the person is exactly as I’d imagined and sometimes not. Either way I’ve come away from the face-to-face encounter with the relationship having shifted in some fashion. So in that sense, yes, there’s a difference, but a wall? Nah. Walls only exist after people build them.
As for the rest… I don’t care what you say. I love James and you can’t have him! Mine. ;D
Nicole´s last blog ..A Place in My Mind
I was good with it all until “There’s also a good reason for the wall between virtual friendships and real life ones”, if by virtual you mean online.
I think here there is a practical difference, but I disagree that there is a good reason, as in a different definition of friends SHOULD apply.
I will agree that the anonymous nature of online friendships means extra warning flags should be included, but if people are honest I don’t see a ‘good reason’ for a wall.
I think the virtual friendship she was talking about was an in character friendship verses a real life one (whether online or in the flesh).
Scott´s last blog ..Conservative Bible Project
Then again maybe not.
Scott´s last blog ..Conservative Bible Project
Wait… so… you’re not *really* Isaac? *dejected sigh* And here I was so ready to profess my love for you…
While I agree that there needs to be a separation in everyone’s mind between the players and their characters (Nat may have been based on me, but she’s definitely NOT me, at all), I agree with the other three about the supposed “wall”. It seems kind of rude, to me, to say “I don’t consider you a real person, and you can’t be my real friend, just because I happened to meet you online.”
While I’m certainly not going to be agreeing to meet with any of you in a dark, deserted alley or fall head over heels in love with you because of how you write your characters, I think that online friendships, particularly those we have on ER, are just as real and legitimate if not even more so than many of my offline friendships. Because I’m friends with the people – not the way they write, and not their characters.
Allison Day´s last blog ..An Interview with Casson Trenor
I disagree. (Not with the love for James. That, I’m all for.) I disagree with the fact that there shouldn’t be any walls online.
There should. You cannot formulate a friendship as quickly as in real life, and in an RPG game, you have to be EXTRA careful.
We who have bonds on ER built them over a very long time. And still today, I am dropping brand-new tidbits of information about me, though I’ve known some of you for over a year.
There’s also very little I actually know of each of you – I know maybe 5 to 10 things only on each person.
That isn’t to say the friendships aren’t real. They are. And Cat’s post didn’t say they weren’t. But the friendships are built more cautionary and there will ALWAYS be a wall in place to prevent people from getting too close lest Bad Things Happen.
Like falling in love.
Except with me. You can all love me. I’m safe. *cwtch*
Cwtch!!
That’s why I love ya James.
I wholeheartedly agree as well, walls are a must. I’ve been RPGing for quite some time and I’ve literally seen the sheer destruction that can occur when one player falls in love with another. 99% of the time that feeling is never reciprocated, or if it does, well – reality is a bitch.
It did work out for one of my best friends. He met the love of his life through RPGing and they’ve been together for nigh on 10 years now. But even they will be the first to say that they are the exception to the rule.
Just to clarify, I wasn’t arguing against the walls between players interacting and characters interacting (fantasy/reality).
I only disagreed with the suggestion that online friendships and real time friendships needed a wall between them – as if online friendships were some lesser form of friendship. I admit that may NOT have been what Cat was trying to say. And I do agree that the friendships are different, with online requiring more caution.
Different but not lesser, that’s my creedo.
@ Ed – Actually, I think it was personal perception that made you add the “lesser”. My personal perception sees not lesser, but “more dangerous”. Hence, walls
Woot! ER does have opinions!
There really are several ways to read that sentence (I did it on purpose, of course. *cough* Glad you were, uh, paying attention…). We could go with Allison’s reading and not fall in love with each other’s characters and, by extension, characters’ players. That’d probably be good.
Another way to see it would emphasize the necessity of being wary of letting online relationships come between you and your “real life” friends and family.
OR we could approach relationships in an “each one has its place” way. The people you meet online are no less real than the ones you see in person (and some of us may spend more time with the virtual ones) but to what extent? Does the lack of physicality decrease our responsibility–or even our ability– to be good friends?
“…and there will ALWAYS be a wall in place to prevent people from getting too close lest Bad Things Happen.
Like falling in love.”
That WOULD be an awful turn of events!! Isn’t love like one of the seven deadly sins or something?! Man, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy… *solemnly headshakes and walks away*
Nicole´s last blog ..A Place in My Mind
@ Nicole – Unrequited love is a Very Bad Thing indeed.
@James But see… you DO love me (how could you not?!), so all is well in my little corner of the virtual world.
Nicole´s last blog ..A Place in My Mind
While unrequited love is, of course, unpleasant, I’d say it happens just as often offline as it does on. *looks at the people she grew up with offline* Or more.
I’d say the problem is when you love someone (either romantically or as a friend) for what they do, instead of who they are. Like, as Rose said, falling for someone who’s an amazing writer (or an amazing dancer… *snort*… never making *that* mistake again.
). If I consider Marc to be a good friend just because I enjoy writing with him and not because I actually enjoy talking to him outside of ER and think he’s a great person, then I’m friends with him for the wrong reasons.
As for walls… if we’re talking one big wall that doesn’t let you be friends with people just because you met them online… I don’t like that idea one bit. I think it’s a stupid idea. But if we’re talking walls to protect your innermost fears, insecurities, secrets, etc…. of course those walls are there, and rightly should be. Even with friends offline. And while I don’t encourage opening those walls up for just anyone, online or off, I believe that it isn’t a Very Bad Thing to let certain people in, even if you did meet them online.
“Does the lack of physicality decrease our responsibility–or even our ability– to be good friends?”
No. Of course, this depends on levels of friendships – I don’t feel so much responsibility to be a great friend to those whom I interact with on Twitter, or even those whom I don’t know so well on ER. But if I consider someone online a close friend, I feel the same responsibility to be the best friend that I can to them as I do for those who I know offline. As for ability… again, no. There are people whom I have met online who have been far better friends to me than people I have considered good friends for years offline.
“There’s also very little I actually know of each of you – I know maybe 5 to 10 things only on each person. ”
You *could* always ask…
Allison Day´s last blog ..An Interview with Casson Trenor
I think the online danger is that its easier to form a crush on someone for some fantasy of yours they fulfill rather than for themselves – based on what you want them to be, not who they are.
But then, that happens in the real world too…
As I was saying to Tracy earlier; it’s better to have the walls there, slowly breaking down rather than not have them.
Ed’s right. Far too many adults get caught up in their fantasy world, I personally know a few that have done some questionable things in the name of “online friendship”.
Anyway, virtual cwtch!
@ Marc – I agree. Some people are wide-open books and trust too easily. They either get hurt and learn the hard way, or they protect themselves and slowly lower barriers as trust grows.
@ Ed – I agree with you as well. That happens very frequently online because of the text-based world and ability to pour in our personal perceptions through the loopholes that face-to-face ‘real’ relationships close tightly.
@ Allison –
I don’t agree with this, because it implies that we all have to be friends just to write and play together. There are many people in the gaming world that aren’t my friends – but that I do enjoy writing against. Some of these people, I don’t even know at all outside of the game – never shared a word. It’s not necessary to build friendships to write in a group collaborative situation.
Now, this has nothing to do with *you*, personally. Just the discussion.
So. What you say is true. If I wanted to delve further into certain friendships and become close, then it’s up to me to reach out and ask questions. (It’s also up to the other person to offer information without waiting to be asked, I think.)
But, there are people I have gaming relationships with that I don’t want to have a close and personal relationship with. So in this case, the question is, why *would* I ask?
Again, just talk. It’s an interesting psychological topic.
James Chartrand – Men with Pens´s last blog ..Are You Freelancing the SMART Way?
James – In regards to your first point in response to me, I actually do agree with you. I don’t think you need to be friends with someone in order to enjoy writing with them. My point was that if you *do* choose to be in a relationship beyond writing, whether it be as friends or in very few cases, as more than that, it should be for who the person is, not for how they write or who their characters are.
Similarly for your second point – if you’re not looking for a close friendship, then most of these points are irrelevant. There are people on ER with whom I may never have a close relationship with, and that’s fine, and normal, and doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with those people. As you said, relationships and close bonds take time and effort to develop – and I think you, and most others would agree, that the time and effort *should* be put into those relationships you want to develop, and shouldn’t be put into those you don’t.
Allison Day´s last blog ..An Interview with Casson Trenor
thirty plus years in the theater may have hardened me against the illusion that a person is who they *play* or *say* they are…either on-line…or frankly offline.
I don’t know, call me a sceptic, but my close friends are built up brick by brick a little at a time.
That being said, I do have close friends that I have met on the net and stayed very close to, but again, those relationships took years.
I can see where role-playing can be a dangerous slippery slide to someone who blurs reality and fiction. I don’t think I am in any danger. Like I said, too much of a sceptic for that. This would be where me and my charactor part company. I’m not as trusting as her.
Wendi Kelly-Life’s Little Inspirations´s last blog ..Standing in the Moment
@Wendi – You have a very healthy and inspiring outlook on life
Ed, you’re as profound as you are prurient!
I think Ed and Allison are kinda saying the same thing two ways, that if you’re going to have online friends, make sure they’re real friends and not just a Good Writer Who is My Friend or a Seeming Fulfillment of My Dreams. That can be the springboard to a great relationship, but a real friendship can’t survive when it’s based on wispy dreams.
Real friendship requires learning to separate the fiction from the reality so that you can appreciate what’s real and get to know the person behind the keyboard and not just the sides of them that satisfy into your immediate needs.
Then again, I know I have relationships (in real life) where I only let the other person exist one-dimensionally because, as GK pointed out, I don’t really want to get closer to them. And the other person’s cool with that (as far as I know) because they only see me as a resource as well.
Every person you meet isn’t going to be your friend (unless you’re Wendi and too sweet to pass
). The trouble is knowing who’s worth investing in and making sure that you don’t make assumptions that lead to hurt feelings. Neh?
Exactly.
Allison Day´s last blog ..An Interview with Casson Trenor
LOL….Too sweet???
Hahaaha…ask my kids.
Now see there? That would be an example of how people get an on-line impression of someone that doesn’t match reality.
I am half Italian/half Irish with a temper so evil that if you make me mad I spit nails.
Granted, I can only stay mad for five minutes tops so if you duck long enough you’ll be fine and then I won’t even remember what I was mad about. But the five minutes won’t be pretty at all. NOT at all…
so see? not so sweet. Maybe..sweet and sour.
Wendi Kelly-Life’s Little Inspirations´s last blog ..Standing in the Moment
@ Wendi – First of all, I’m shocked and stunned you’re not head over heels in love with me and ready to pack your bags to come live in total sin while freezing your ass off 8 months out of the year. To think your bedroom isn’t plastered with “I HEART JAMES” posters… Well. I was so upset, I cried for 7 hours last night, curled up in a ball, then got drunk and vented my rage on the town. (The neighbor didn’t know what hit him. Neither did his dog.) I was devastated. DEVASTATED, I tell you!!
*ahem*
This:
That’s it right there. I like this opposite view, that it’s not taking down the wall for people to get in, it’s building up the friendship one brick at a time. Because when things go wrong, that wall gets smashed. Nay?
I’m sitting here grinning. “It’s not my ADD, I swear! It’s my Irish roots!” Hee hee! From one who knows *exactly* what this is and does it… That’s a great excuse. Can I borrow it? “It’s the French in me!”
James Chartrand – Men with Pens´s last blog ..Five Things I’ve Learned Since Getting A Book Agent
Excellent reminder on the realities of Virtual Friendships.
I’m fairly comfortable with my separation of OOC and IC relatioships.
But I definitely needed to hear the message again that internet based friendship are inherently more dangerous than real world ones.
I think it is easy to forget that we don’t know people as well as we think because of the limited range of situations where we interact with these people.
(yes, I realize the last comment was 4 months ago, but I´m new to ER and online RPG in general and I want to share my thoughts
)
When I joined ER I read this article and thought, “how messed up can people be?”, but now that I´ve gotten to know the characters and the players… everybody seems so great
I don´t have a problem with defining game from real world, but I certainly see how someone might.
That said, I must admit I have a very easy-going take on online-friendship. I like talking (surprise surprise) and I don´t mind if it´s through written word or in person. I don´t consider “chat-buddies” friends in that deep, meaningful sense of the word… but that goes for most of the people I interact with on daily basis. I even realised when I was reading this now, that I have better insight into the mind of some of my chat-buddies, than of many of the people I´d probably call friends if someone asked.
What this means, for me, is that the term “friend” is one to be used with care and such a relationship only develops through time and shared experience, online and off. How well do we really know the person sitting across the table at a coffee-shop? Is that person less likely to decieve, manipulate, withold details about themselves they don´t feel like sharing or don´t feel are important, than the person you are chatting with online? Of course that depends on each person, in every situation. But I don´t think we should rule out the possibility that an online friend can be just as much fun and support as an offline one… After all, there´s always a person on the other end
And about crushes on characters/players?
I love all you guys and girls